okay i am about to go off on an emotional rant, but hear me out. … the other day something occurred to me. something that seriously shook me to the bone and made me sob. like couldn’t catch my breath, sob. i met a woman. i met another mother. we exchanged names and immediately began talking about our kids and who they are and what they do and how they sleep and potty training and ya da ya da ya. later i realized that i didn’t ask her a single question about who she is and she didn’t ask me either. and i began to wonder why. like, if neither of us had kids, we would have asked questions. who are you? what do you love? what makes you thrive? what do YOU do? i think as amazing and challenging and time consuming motherhood is, i think who we are deep inside matters. i think we shouldn’t put aside what makes us tick and what makes us truly happy because one day our kids are grow up and there we will be. anyway, next time i meet another mother, next time i meet another woman, i am going to ask her questions about who she is. i am going to say, “my name is kristen and i am more than a mother.”
That day i needed to escape. i needed out of the house and on my own, just a bit. i told arick that i had to go. as soon as i shut the car door and pandora loaded, the tears fell. i drove for a little while and followed the bright lights with my eyes and didn’t bother wiping my face. suddenly every street light, every fluorescent store sign looked back at me as if they were saying, “you are still here. you are human and real and you matter.”
i went to michaels and explored the fake flowers. i held out my hand and felt them brush the tips of my fingers. they were fake and beautiful and i could have them and call them my own if i wanted to. that was enough.